Self-Worth-Developing Children: Some things to Avoid

Sometimes in our busy lives, we may not realize our comments and reactions to seemingly every day happenings can have a destructive impact on others around us, especially our children.  We would never knowingly hurt their feelings or harm them, yet sometimes an off-handed comment does just that.  It hurts them deeply and harms their self-worth, leaving them feeling or doubting their value and capabilities.

More obvious things to not do:

•  Say "You are dumb (or ugly, or stupid)".  
• "Can't you ever do anything right" can slip out of our mouths if we aren't careful.  As soon as it blazes out, we might know it was not wise and that we didn't really mean it.  
• Compare one child to another, especially siblings.  "I wish you were more like your brother or sister" can be crushing to the child and at the same time destroy rather than build sibling relationships. 
• When children have tantrums and in their frustrations say something like, "I hate you!"  or "I don't love you." It is important to be sure to not reply with anything like it back. Instead we can explain again why we are doing what we are doing and reassure them that we do and will always love them, even if they are angry with us.  
• Never tell children anything like we don't love them or wish they had never been born.  They, like all of us, need to know they are loved and wanted especially when they make mistakes.

Some not so obvious comments that are also destructive:

• Doing too much for children.  Often we want to show our love for our children, by doing things for them.  However, it can have the opposite meaning for them.  It can mean to them that they aren't capable.  It is helpful to break larger or more advanced tasks into kid-friendly tasks giving them the opportunity to be successful and feel self-satisfaction and independence.  
• Telling children "That's easy" when they are struggling with a task.  Even saying "That is easy, you can do it" when it is not easy for them can lead them to think something is wrong with them because it isn't easy for them.  A better comment might be "This can be a rough one." Then when they do accomplish it, they can tell themselves that they did something that was hard.  If they don't complete it, they know it was harder to begin with.  
• Don't  "freak out" when children make mistakes.  We all make mistakes.  They will make them too.  Usually it will be at an inconvenient time.  Resist the impulse to "freak-out".  Resist the urge to rescue them.  Instead stay calm. teach them how to arise to the situation by acknowledging they made the mistake and how to make amends.  This allows them to feel good about themselves and who they are as they become accountable for their mistakes.  It also helps them form healthy attitudes without making judgments such as making mistakes is a part of life and does not make me a bad person.  

Building Self-Worth in Children-2 Basics

How we interact with children as they learn, problem-solve, and investigate the world in which they live makes a difference in how they see themselves.  It makes a difference in their self-worth.  Today I want to share two tips that I feel are basic to help children build strong self-worth.

Set children up to succeed.  It is important to teach children how to become self-reliant.  How proud they are when they can do things for themselves!  They stand a little taller, their smiles are a little wider, and sometimes they even shout-it-out and give high-fives!  It might be easier to do for them and even difficult to refrain from helping them when they struggle, however, it is important to allow them to be successful.  An example, begin when they are young to teach them how to move about on their own safely.  When they begin to show an interest in the stair steps and in moving from the sofa to the floor, take the time and patience to talk with them and show they how to put their bellies down and their feet first off the sofa and allow their bodies to follow.  They will need some reminders and practice to become proficient. They easily learn to respond to a simple reminder like "feet first".  With the steps, they again put their bellies down and feet first when going down the steps.  Before long they are crawling up and down the stairs in a safe manner.  As they get older, allow them to do more tasks, such as fix their snacks or simple lunches, keep their rooms picked up, or help parents and older siblings with various tasks.  Take the time to teach them how you want them to learn to do the task.  They need to know the expectations. Then as they gain skills, allow them to do them on their own. 

Praise children.  It is equally important to give praise.  A simple "good job"  can be very powerful.  Children want to know how you thought they did, as well as, how they think they did.   If they don't feel they did something as well as you did or you wanted, they may need some reassurance and encouragement.  Remember most of us don't do things perfectly the first times, but we get better the more we do them.  If it doesn't turn out the best, don't "freak out".  In fact, if it is really bad, don't "freak out".  We all have those times and usually they aren't as bad as we first may think they are.  Remain calm and immediately begin looking for the things that were done correctly and give praise for that.  Help them see the things they did that were correct and how they are improving as they continue to do them.  It is vital that the praise is sincere and honest.

Children Developing Self-Worth - a Personal Observation

In the last few weeks, I have had the opportunity to spend time with my youngest grandchildren, ages 10 months to 4 years in age.  I have enjoyed interacting with them, but I have also appreciated the opportunity to observe them as they played, investigated, and problem-solved in their wonderful world of inquiry.  I noticed how the older ones have learned to navigate safely in their environment including steps, sofas, chairs, beds, uneven land, and other things.  The 10 month old is fearlessly learning those things as she anxiously presses forward in broadening her skills.
As I watched them, I was aware of the look of satisfaction and accomplishment their little faces showed when they were successful.  An experience with the 10 month old was particularly insightful.  She loves to put blankets in front of her eyes and over her head and then peek out.  One day she had a larger fleece throw.  She was doing the same as always, until her hands moved toward the center of the cover.  She would move the cover almost to the edge and then pull the other way.  I watched as she worked at it.  Since I didn't want her to become frightened, after numerous tries I helped a little but in a way she didn't realized.  She pulled the cover off and I said the traditional "peek" several times, then I noticed how proud she was.  Her little face beamed.  I clapped, she clapped, and we celebrated her success.  The real reward I experienced was seeing her so happy and proud of herself as she was successful and to see her self-worth grow.  The thought reinforced itself that afternoon that we are instrumental in the development of children's self-worth.  How we interact with them as they learn, problem-solve, and investigate the world in which they live makes a difference in how they see themselves.  
How can we do that?

Self-Worth-children

Self-Worth of Children

When did we begin to develop our self-worth?  How did we develop it?  I have been learning and observing thoughts and ideas and theories related to these questions for a long time. Some children, as well as adults, do know and understand that they are valuable and worthwhile.  They are confident, capable, problem-solving, independent children.  Others do not.  They lack the confidence in themselves and their abilities to move forward in their lives.  They wait and depend on others to tell them what, when, and how to do things.  Some are fearful of life and most things in their lives and "shut down" rather than move onward. 

Why are they so different?  

Do we as parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors, teachers, etc. 

play a role in the development of self-worth of the children around us?  

If so, how?  

As I have thought about these questions and observed children, their parents, and others working with them, I am sure we do.  

It is simply how we think, feel, and treat them.  

I will be posting about this topic next.  

Self-Worth in Children

I am wonderful, valuable, worthwhile, and lovable, 

just because I AM

Be Happy

You are the one who decides.

Decide to be Happy!

Self-Worth-I Am a "One of a Kind" Miracle!

 So many times in our lives, we "sell ourselves short".  We enter this world perfect and wonderful in our own uniqueness.  Then over time we allow the influences in our lives to convince to us we are less.  In reality, we were then and are still perfect and wonderful.  As we have grown and matured, our looks have changed, our knowledge and understanding have grown, our ability to do many things has increased, and our reasoning and decision-making skills have improved.  Many changes have occurred since our birth, but what has not changed and always will  remain constant is our value and worth.  We are wonderful, valuable, worthwhile, and lovable. We will always be a "one of a kind" miracle.