You Do Make a Difference!

Too often we feel that we are unimportant and that who and what we are and do makes no difference. However, that is simply not true!  

We do make a difference, just as the pebble affects the water in which it is cast!

Sara Banister

underthelearningtree.blogspot.com

Teaching and Guiding Children As They Learn to "Work Out" Differences

Encouraging Siblings to Build Strong Relationships: Conflict Resolution

In every relationship disagreements/conflicts occur.  Sometimes they are minor and sometimes they are "out of control".  What can we do when disagreements or conflicts arise?  How can we handle those situations? Sometimes we may be tempted to ignore them and hope they go away.  The truth is problems don't go away. They usually get worse.  The best solution is to face the problem, so it can be sorted out as soon as possible.   

One of the best ways to solve a disagreement is to find a way to help the unhappy people find a win/win in the situation.  This solution finds the opportunity for each person to get something they want in a fair way.  In order for this approach to be successful each person must be willing to work together and stay as calm as possible.  Using the conflict resolution method there are four steps to successfully resolve conflicts. First each person must understand about the problem.  Next avoid making the situation worse and encourage working together.  Lastly, find a solution to the conflict.  While this method is not always easy with practice, patience, and perseverance siblings can learn to work together in harmony.

Understand the Conflict.  To successfully resolve a problem, each individual involved needs to understand what the disagreement is about, including the mediator.  Communication is a key factor in this step.  Each person needs to be encouraged to describe and discuss his/her feelings and perspective without being interrupted or belittled.

Listening is a large part of communication.  When a person listens to others, it shows respect and that he/she has a desire to really understand the way the other sees the situation.  When he/she listens and tries to understand their perspective, it helps to find a resolution to the disagreement/conflict.  While listening, it is helpful to use active listening techniques such as looking at the person talking, nodding the head acknowledging that the person is heard, or repeating what the person understood in their words to be sure they heard what was being said.

Avoid Making the Situation Worse.   One important step in resolving conflict is to ensure that the situation does not get worse.  To accomplish this step, it is important to establish and maintain some basic rules in communication.  These rules might include:

• No put-downs.
• No mean, nasty remarks that would hurt someone's feelings.
• No screaming or shouting.  All communication needs to be in controlled voices.  
• No hitting, kicking, pushing, or any kind of hurting the other person's body.

Work Together.  Using "I" statements is a way that can help individuals to work together more amicably. Statements such as "I feel hurt when..." or "I hear what you are saying, but I feel ..." followed by the way he/she feels, without blaming others helps to work towards more understanding of each persons' feelings and perspective.  An example is:  "I feel sad and afraid when you shout." rather than "Your shouting makes me sad and afraid."  Those communicating should take turns speaking and it may be wise to determine a time limit for each person before beginning so that everyone gets a fair opportunity.  The communication can move more smoothly when everyone keeps their voices down.  In some instances, it can be more effective for each person to write the problem as he/she sees it and then read what the other has written.  

Find a Solution.  Once each person has the opportunity to share his/her feelings and the disagreement/conflict is understood by everyone, it is time to begin to brainstorm together to think of ways to find a solution.  It is best to think of many possibilities to ensure that every option is considered.  Sometimes the one that seems unlikely or not possible at first could turn out to be one that works.  It is important that each person and their contribution be shown respect.  It is also a good idea for someone to write the suggestions down as they are given so that the conflict can be resolved successfully.

The possible outcomes are: win/win; win/lose and lose/lose.  Win/win is when all are comfortable and pleased with the outcome.  Win/lose is when one gets what they want and others do not get what they want. Lose/lose is when no one gets what they want.  Once a solution that all have agreed on is reached, it is the responsibility of each person to carry out his/her part.  

This process is not easy, sometimes the process needs to begin again to try to improve it.  Some of the steps may need to be practiced in other settings.  Learning to use "I" statements can be an effective way of communicating in most situations to avoid offending others and as a statement of power for the individual using them.  Taking the time to listen to what others are really saying and meaning can keep things from escalating into a bigger problem,  It is always wise to avoid making matters worse when possible.  

The important thing is to not give up!  The more everyone practices these steps the better they get at using them and the quicker and easier they can find solutions--especially win/win solutions!

"Encouraging strong, healthy relationships between siblings can be one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children."  

Encouraging Siblings to Build Strong Relationships with Each Other

Learning life skills and building relationships is a life-long journey.  While we learn these skills in all aspects of our lives, the home and family is the most influential and powerful place to develop and mature. As our children grow, we are extremely busy teaching and helping them to develop many important skills and characteristics.  Because so much is happening, one area that sometimes falls aside and doesn't get a great deal of attention is the development of strong, binding relationships between siblings. We know the parent-child relationship is vital.  The nature of this relationship is that parents teach and help the child grow so that the child becomes more self-sufficient and independent eventually forming families of their own.  The dynamics and nature of the roles change over the years.  Unlike the parent-child relationship, the role of siblings; however, can and should remain the same.  We, as parents, can have a lasting influence in the development of these relationships as we encourage and nurture strong bonds between siblings.
Help Children to Discover and Value Who They Are Individually.   Each child is his or her own unique person.  Each has different strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, body builds, physical characteristics, personalities, talents, etc.  Encourage each child to discover his/her special identity.  At times it is easy for parents and children to label the family with an identity or characteristic when more than one family has a specific trait or interest (e.g. We are a musical family or a football family.)  Allow each child to be different and to develop his/her own sense of self.  Create a safe place for children to share openly and honestly their thoughts and feelings.  Listen to them and observe them.  Help each one to see the gifts and talents he/she has to offer and bring to his/her attention the unique gifts and talents his/her siblings have to offer.  Help each child to develop a security in who he/she is and see and accept who their siblings are.  As they do this they will not need to compare themselves to each other.  They will also learn to understand and appreciate the differences they observe in others.
Family Loyalty.  Help children develop loyalty to each other and the family.  Encourage and set the example of kind thoughts and actions towards each other.  Do not tolerate unkind and vulgar speech or actions towards any one, especially towards one another.  Teach them to share times of joy, happiness, and success with each other, as well as, times of sorrow, pain, and loss.  Give them opportunities to experience the love, joy, and power of family.
Don't Compare or Play Favorites.  Be sure to not exhibit favorites.  Grace may be the spelling bee champion; Aaron may be an expert about space launches; and Emma may be the best at gymnastics.  Each is OK, one is not more or less important than the other.  Be careful to not compare them or make one more important than the other, because this will create resentment and contention between them.
Opportunities to Become True Friends.   Create opportunities to strengthen bonds within the family.  We love and respect those we know.  Spend time together regularly, such as, eating meals, playing games, learning about new things, and exploring together.  Take the whole family to performances, educational, and sporting activities of each child.  Families support each other.  Celebrate successes together.  Celebrate holidays and establish traditions together as a family.  Take family vacations and trips as your schedules allow.
As an environment where children feel valued and safe is established, children will have the opportunity to learn who they are, value who they are, and to value others in their similarities and differences.  The experiences they have together and the value they feel for themselves and each other will help them to develop strong bonds of friendship with their siblings that will last throughout their lives.

What do you do to encourage strong bonds in your family?