Teaching and Guiding Children As They Learn to "Work Out" Differences

Encouraging Siblings to Build Strong Relationships: Conflict Resolution

In every relationship disagreements/conflicts occur.  Sometimes they are minor and sometimes they are "out of control".  What can we do when disagreements or conflicts arise?  How can we handle those situations? Sometimes we may be tempted to ignore them and hope they go away.  The truth is problems don't go away. They usually get worse.  The best solution is to face the problem, so it can be sorted out as soon as possible.   

One of the best ways to solve a disagreement is to find a way to help the unhappy people find a win/win in the situation.  This solution finds the opportunity for each person to get something they want in a fair way.  In order for this approach to be successful each person must be willing to work together and stay as calm as possible.  Using the conflict resolution method there are four steps to successfully resolve conflicts. First each person must understand about the problem.  Next avoid making the situation worse and encourage working together.  Lastly, find a solution to the conflict.  While this method is not always easy with practice, patience, and perseverance siblings can learn to work together in harmony.

Understand the Conflict.  To successfully resolve a problem, each individual involved needs to understand what the disagreement is about, including the mediator.  Communication is a key factor in this step.  Each person needs to be encouraged to describe and discuss his/her feelings and perspective without being interrupted or belittled.

Listening is a large part of communication.  When a person listens to others, it shows respect and that he/she has a desire to really understand the way the other sees the situation.  When he/she listens and tries to understand their perspective, it helps to find a resolution to the disagreement/conflict.  While listening, it is helpful to use active listening techniques such as looking at the person talking, nodding the head acknowledging that the person is heard, or repeating what the person understood in their words to be sure they heard what was being said.

Avoid Making the Situation Worse.   One important step in resolving conflict is to ensure that the situation does not get worse.  To accomplish this step, it is important to establish and maintain some basic rules in communication.  These rules might include:

• No put-downs.
• No mean, nasty remarks that would hurt someone's feelings.
• No screaming or shouting.  All communication needs to be in controlled voices.  
• No hitting, kicking, pushing, or any kind of hurting the other person's body.

Work Together.  Using "I" statements is a way that can help individuals to work together more amicably. Statements such as "I feel hurt when..." or "I hear what you are saying, but I feel ..." followed by the way he/she feels, without blaming others helps to work towards more understanding of each persons' feelings and perspective.  An example is:  "I feel sad and afraid when you shout." rather than "Your shouting makes me sad and afraid."  Those communicating should take turns speaking and it may be wise to determine a time limit for each person before beginning so that everyone gets a fair opportunity.  The communication can move more smoothly when everyone keeps their voices down.  In some instances, it can be more effective for each person to write the problem as he/she sees it and then read what the other has written.  

Find a Solution.  Once each person has the opportunity to share his/her feelings and the disagreement/conflict is understood by everyone, it is time to begin to brainstorm together to think of ways to find a solution.  It is best to think of many possibilities to ensure that every option is considered.  Sometimes the one that seems unlikely or not possible at first could turn out to be one that works.  It is important that each person and their contribution be shown respect.  It is also a good idea for someone to write the suggestions down as they are given so that the conflict can be resolved successfully.

The possible outcomes are: win/win; win/lose and lose/lose.  Win/win is when all are comfortable and pleased with the outcome.  Win/lose is when one gets what they want and others do not get what they want. Lose/lose is when no one gets what they want.  Once a solution that all have agreed on is reached, it is the responsibility of each person to carry out his/her part.  

This process is not easy, sometimes the process needs to begin again to try to improve it.  Some of the steps may need to be practiced in other settings.  Learning to use "I" statements can be an effective way of communicating in most situations to avoid offending others and as a statement of power for the individual using them.  Taking the time to listen to what others are really saying and meaning can keep things from escalating into a bigger problem,  It is always wise to avoid making matters worse when possible.  

The important thing is to not give up!  The more everyone practices these steps the better they get at using them and the quicker and easier they can find solutions--especially win/win solutions!

"Encouraging strong, healthy relationships between siblings can be one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children."  

Encouraging Siblings To Build Strong Relationships: What to Do When They Don't Agree

As parents, all of us like it when our children get along and don't argue and fight.  It is great when we see them reach out and help one another.  It is touching when we see them comfort one another in times of sadness, pain, or discouragement.  However, differences of opinions and disagreements are naturally apart of our lives, so there are going to be times when siblings don't agree.  How they learn to handle those disagreements is crucial.  It is a part of a foundation they are building in their relationships with each other, as well as, a way of solving problems in all areas of their lives. 

Parents play a key role as siblings learn to control and work with their anger, frustration, and disappointment.

When these tense situations occur, emotions are usually if not always running on high.  The first step is to de-escalate the situation by helping then to move from their emotional survival mode to one of calm power.  Some ways to do that are:

• Deep breaths.  Deep breathing exercises can be very calming.  It is most effective to inhale slowly through the nose with the tongue at the roof of the mouth behind the front teeth to the count of five, hold the breath for the slow count of three, and then exhale through the mouth slowly to the count of five. Repeat at least three times.  This helps to get more oxygen to the brain so that it is possible  to think more clearly and logically.  
• Drink water.  Drinking water can be very helpful.  More than likely they are dehydrated when they are emotional.  Drinking water slowly is more beneficial that in large gulps.  Holding water in the mouth for a short time before swallowing also helps to hydrate the body more quickly.  Water also helps the brain to work more effectively and efficiently.  
• Brain Gym activities.  
• Listen to music.  There are many kinds of music.  It is important to select music that will have a calming affect rather than music that will excite.  
• Quiet time.  This can mean different things to different people.  Make sure it is a time with little stimulus for excitement. 
• Write in journal.  Writing can be very calming to many people.  Sometimes it works really well to write about the situation.  
• Take a walk.  Sometimes a change of scenery helps.  The act of walking can be calming.
• Yoga-Yoga helps to recenter and become more calm.
• Visualize.  See in the minds' eye a calm, relaxing scene or scenario.  See yourself there.
• Laugh.  Watch or listen to something funny. Laughter can be a great way to break tension and relax.
• Repeat or think of a calming word or phrase.  You may have a word or phrase that is a key to help you relax.

Once those involved are calmer, they will be more able to listen, think clearly, and move into a problem solving situation that will be beneficial to all.

"Encouraging strong, healthy relationships between siblings can be one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children."  

Next week:  Working together to solve problems.

Stress Overload-Effects and Signs and Symptoms

Stress is alive and doing well in our lives.  It seems to be all around us.  How does it affect our bodies and minds?

Stress is our body's way of responding to any kind of demand or threat.  When we feel threatened, our body automatically responds to prepare us for the situation.  Our heart beats faster, muscles tighten, blood pressure rises, breath quickens, and our senses become more keen.  Our body becomes stronger, stamina increases, reaction time increases, and focus in more intent.  These reactions are known as fright or flight and is our body's way of protecting itself.  When stress is working properly, it helps us stay focused, energetic, and alert.  In emergency situations, it can save our life.  It can also help us rise to challenges.  It helps us do what we need to better our performance. However, if it is beyond our comfort zone, stress stops being helpful and can start causing major damage to our mind and body.

Our body's autonomic nervous system sometimes does a poor job of distinguishing between daily stressors and life-threatening events.  If it repeatedly experiences fight or flight responses in our daily life, it can raise blood pressure, suppress the immune system, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, speed up the aging process, and leave us vulnerable to a number of mental and emotional problems.  Some health problems that could result are:

• pain of any kind
• depression
• heart disease
• weight problems
• auto immune diseases
• digestive problems
• sleep problems
• skin conditions

Following are some signs and symptoms of stress overload:

Cognitive Symptoms                                               Emotional Symptoms

   memory problems                                                   moodiness

   poor judgement                                                      short temper or irritability

   constant worrying                                                   agitation and inability to relax

   seeing only negative                                                feeling overwhelmed

   anxious, racing thoughts                                          sense of loneliness and isolation

   inability to concentrate                                            depression or unhappiness

Physical Symptoms                                                Behavioral Symptoms

   aches and pains                                                      eating more or less

   nausea, dizziness                                                     sleeping too much or too little

   chest pain, rapid heartbeat                                       procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities

   diarrhea or constipation                                           nervous habits such as nail biting or pacing

   frequent colds                                                         isolating yourself from others

Remember the signs and symptoms of stress can also be caused by other psychological or medical problems, so if you are experiencing any warning signs of stress, it is important to see a doctor to help determine if they are stress related.

Tomorrow:  A Stress Quiz-How well to you handle stress in your life?

Kids Have Stress too!

Often we think children's lives are carefree and filled with play.  After all what do they have to worry about?  In reality, they do worry and feel stress-even very young children.
Stress has been defined as a function of the demands placed on us and our ability to meet them.  These demands come from outside sources such as family, friends, or school.  It can also come from within when children feel they are not doing what they should be doing instead of what they are doing or they may not feel they are doing something well enough.  At times they feel overwhelmed.  Preschoolers can feel uncomfortable and anxiety when they are separated from their parents.  As children get older, how well they are doing in school and social pressures create stress.

Sometimes children are too busy to play creatively or relax after school.  They may complain about or refuse to go to them.This may be a sign that they are over-scheduled.  If this is the case, it is important to take time to talk with them about how they feel about the extra activities.  It is vital to really listen to what they are saying.  A discussion of the pros and cons of the activity or activities will help both of you to understand the feelings they are experiencing.  The conclusion might be to stop an activity or to explore ways to help then manage their time and responsibilities to help lessen the anxiety they are feeling.

Children also worry and feel stress from things that are happening or they perceive to be happening in the world around them.  They might overhear adults talking about problems at work, illnesses of family members and friends, concern about financial matters, or arguments.
Local and world news can cause stress in children.  If they see disturbing images on TV or hear talk of natural disasters, war, and terrorism, it can cause them to worry and feel stress as they worry about their safety and the safety of those they love.  It is important to talk with they about what they see and hear, so you can talk with them and help them understand what's going on.

Signs and Symptoms
Sometimes it is not obvious when children are stressed out.  Some signs and symptoms might be:

• short-term behaviors changes like acting out, changes in sleep patterns, mood swings, or bedwetting
• more trouble concentrating and/or completing schoolwork 
• spending a lot of time alone
• withdrawing from regular activities
• stomachaches and headaches
• over reaction to minor problems
• nightmares
• becoming clingy
• drastic changes in academic performance
• new habits like thumb sucking, hair twirling, or nose picking
• older kids may begin to lie, bully or defy authority

Reducing stress

Children need help in learning how to cope with stress.  Some stress is normal.  It is important for children to know that it's OK to feel angry, scared, lonely, or anxious and that other people experience those feeling too.  However, they will be stronger and more confident as they learn to recognize when they are overly stressed, learn things they can do to reduce the stress, and know they can come to adults they feel are understanding and safe to help them. Some ways to help children reduce stress are: 

• be sure they get proper rest and good nutrition
• good parenting-make time each day for your children-make yourself available. It shows them they are important to you.
• talk with them about what may be causing their stress and help them come up with solutions that may help
• anticipate situations that may be stressful for them and prepare them for the situations
• learn and practice some tools like deep breathing, things they might use for self-talk, etc. when they feel excess stress
• reassure them by reminding them that you are confident they can handle the situation and that they will do well.

A key to recognizing and helping children learn to cope with stress is to be aware of them and be present to them and what is happening in their lives.  Notice and really hear what they are saying or not saying, doing or not doing, and take time to be with them.  Doing these things helps them feel secure, safe, and confident.  It also lets them know they are important.

Stress!!!! What Role Does Play in your life?

Stress!!!!  We have all had out experiences with it.  It seems to be a common everyday malady.  To hear, "I'm really stressed out!" or "This is making me totally stressed." seems to be heard almost every day.  When we feel this way, we probably are worried or uncomfortable about something.  We may also experience a variety of symptoms such as feeling ill.  Stomach aches and headaches are well known symptoms.  Being "stressed out" occurs in people of all ages.

Often we think of stress as being a bad thing.  However, there is such a thing as good stress.  Good stress can help us get things done and/or done better.  Times when we feel good stress might be when we have a report or presentation to give, are going for an interview, are performing for others, etc.  Some may say, how can that be "good stress"?  In reality, it is up to us to determine.  This stress can urge us to prepare better and more thoroughly for the presentations, interviews, and performances.  As we do this, we gain more confidence.  When we are well prepared and have more confidence, we do better.  On the other hand, if we allow the stress to gain momentum and power, it becomes an influence for experiencing illness, immobilization, and poor performance.  It then can become an experience that is uncomfortable, debilitating, and embarrassing, rather than uplifting, exciting, and empowering.  The great news is: We are the one who chooses!  We are the ones in control!

Turning stress and tension into positive power is done in different ways by different people.  We are all unique, so different techniques may be more effective for some than others or different techniques may work better some times than others. Here are a few to begin with:

• Breathe your stress away!  Find a quite place, lie down or sit comfortably, close your eyes, place your hands over your ribs, take in a deep breath slowly through your nose so that your belly fills up like a balloon (this a deeper breath where your shoulders don't move), hold it while you count to 5 slowly.  Then let the air out slowly through you mouth.  Repeat this several times (at least 3-5)
• Exercise your tension away!  Walking, running, swimming, jumping rope, doing sit-ups, riding a bke, dancing, singing, etc. are excellent ways to burn off extra energy and let the stress out.  Hitting things is not the best thing to let stress out.  It can accelerate stress.
• Do and/or think of something different.  Take a break.  Watch a movie, take a walk, play a game, take a shower, get a drink of water, read a book, take a trip to the park, etc. just a few of the things you can do to give your mind and body a break.
• When you are presenting, preforming, taking a test, etc. work extra hard and practice more.  Begin early to learn and prepare for it.  When you are prepared and know it, you are more confident and have less stress.
• Talk to someone you trust and feel comfortable sharing your feelings.  Often talking with such a person helps relieve stress.  Hearing their point of view and objectivity can help to see things from a different and more powerful perspective.  

More information and ways to reduce stress and increase power and control in your life are coming this week.  Remember you are the one who chooses how it will be!

Whole Brain Learning

In "About Under the Learning Tree" it says that we promote " whole brain learning to enhance learning and to set and reach goals in all of life's arenas." Some of you may ask, "What does that mean?
Whole brain learning is when we are engaging all areas of our brain in the task at hand. There are times when the right and left lobes of our brain aren't speaking to each other. There are times when most of the energy in our brain is in the brain stem and/or base of the brain. When this happens we are not able to engage in whole brain learning.
To understand the difference think about when you are upset, angry, or even excited. Do you make your best decisions when you are experiencing those emotions? If you are like I am, you will say, "No". The reason is that when we are feeling angry, upset, etc., most of the energy in our brain is in the central brain and/or brain stem. We are in survival mode and not using the lobes. The network of nerves between the left and right lobe are more of a wall instead of a working communication network. Thus we aren't benefiting from the whole brain. You know how that feels. Now think of a time when you are learning something new and it makes sense and is easy to understand, working through a problem, or doing well with your favorite sport. You know how that feels too. When we think about it we know what whole brain learning feels like. So how can we engage our whole brain when it isn't working together?
An easy way to turn the "wall" into the a communicating network again is movement. Any movement helps, but movements which are crossing the midline that divides our body right and left will benefit the most. A couple of Brain Gym movements you can use are cross crawls and lazy 8s. If you don't know them, use movements that take your arms, legs, and/or even eyes from one side of your body to the other. It is exciting and powerful to know that we can be in control in these types of situations to know that we are the ones in charge!