Encouraging Siblings to Build Strong Relationships: Conflict Resolution
In every relationship disagreements/conflicts occur. Sometimes they are minor and sometimes they are "out of control". What can we do when disagreements or conflicts arise? How can we handle those situations? Sometimes we may be tempted to ignore them and hope they go away. The truth is problems don't go away. They usually get worse. The best solution is to face the problem, so it can be sorted out as soon as possible.
One of the best ways to solve a disagreement is to find a way to help the unhappy people find a win/win in the situation. This solution finds the opportunity for each person to get something they want in a fair way. In order for this approach to be successful each person must be willing to work together and stay as calm as possible. Using the conflict resolution method there are four steps to successfully resolve conflicts. First each person must understand about the problem. Next avoid making the situation worse and encourage working together. Lastly, find a solution to the conflict. While this method is not always easy with practice, patience, and perseverance siblings can learn to work together in harmony.
Understand the Conflict. To successfully resolve a problem, each individual involved needs to understand what the disagreement is about, including the mediator. Communication is a key factor in this step. Each person needs to be encouraged to describe and discuss his/her feelings and perspective without being interrupted or belittled.
Listening is a large part of communication. When a person listens to others, it shows respect and that he/she has a desire to really understand the way the other sees the situation. When he/she listens and tries to understand their perspective, it helps to find a resolution to the disagreement/conflict. While listening, it is helpful to use active listening techniques such as looking at the person talking, nodding the head acknowledging that the person is heard, or repeating what the person understood in their words to be sure they heard what was being said.
Avoid Making the Situation Worse. One important step in resolving conflict is to ensure that the situation does not get worse. To accomplish this step, it is important to establish and maintain some basic rules in communication. These rules might include:
- No put-downs.
- No mean, nasty remarks that would hurt someone's feelings.
- No screaming or shouting. All communication needs to be in controlled voices.
- No hitting, kicking, pushing, or any kind of hurting the other person's body.
Work Together. Using "I" statements is a way that can help individuals to work together more amicably. Statements such as "I feel hurt when..." or "I hear what you are saying, but I feel ..." followed by the way he/she feels, without blaming others helps to work towards more understanding of each persons' feelings and perspective. An example is: "I feel sad and afraid when you shout." rather than "Your shouting makes me sad and afraid." Those communicating should take turns speaking and it may be wise to determine a time limit for each person before beginning so that everyone gets a fair opportunity. The communication can move more smoothly when everyone keeps their voices down. In some instances, it can be more effective for each person to write the problem as he/she sees it and then read what the other has written.
Find a Solution. Once each person has the opportunity to share his/her feelings and the disagreement/conflict is understood by everyone, it is time to begin to brainstorm together to think of ways to find a solution. It is best to think of many possibilities to ensure that every option is considered. Sometimes the one that seems unlikely or not possible at first could turn out to be one that works. It is important that each person and their contribution be shown respect. It is also a good idea for someone to write the suggestions down as they are given so that the conflict can be resolved successfully.
The possible outcomes are: win/win; win/lose and lose/lose. Win/win is when all are comfortable and pleased with the outcome. Win/lose is when one gets what they want and others do not get what they want. Lose/lose is when no one gets what they want. Once a solution that all have agreed on is reached, it is the responsibility of each person to carry out his/her part.
This process is not easy, sometimes the process needs to begin again to try to improve it. Some of the steps may need to be practiced in other settings. Learning to use "I" statements can be an effective way of communicating in most situations to avoid offending others and as a statement of power for the individual using them. Taking the time to listen to what others are really saying and meaning can keep things from escalating into a bigger problem, It is always wise to avoid making matters worse when possible.
The important thing is to not give up! The more everyone practices these steps the better they get at using them and the quicker and easier they can find solutions--especially win/win solutions!
"Encouraging strong, healthy relationships between siblings can be one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children."
