Encouraging Siblings To Build Strong Relationships: What to Do When They Don't Agree

As parents, all of us like it when our children get along and don't argue and fight.  It is great when we see them reach out and help one another.  It is touching when we see them comfort one another in times of sadness, pain, or discouragement.  However, differences of opinions and disagreements are naturally apart of our lives, so there are going to be times when siblings don't agree.  How they learn to handle those disagreements is crucial.  It is a part of a foundation they are building in their relationships with each other, as well as, a way of solving problems in all areas of their lives. 

Parents play a key role as siblings learn to control and work with their anger, frustration, and disappointment.

When these tense situations occur, emotions are usually if not always running on high.  The first step is to de-escalate the situation by helping then to move from their emotional survival mode to one of calm power.  Some ways to do that are:

• Deep breaths.  Deep breathing exercises can be very calming.  It is most effective to inhale slowly through the nose with the tongue at the roof of the mouth behind the front teeth to the count of five, hold the breath for the slow count of three, and then exhale through the mouth slowly to the count of five. Repeat at least three times.  This helps to get more oxygen to the brain so that it is possible  to think more clearly and logically.  
• Drink water.  Drinking water can be very helpful.  More than likely they are dehydrated when they are emotional.  Drinking water slowly is more beneficial that in large gulps.  Holding water in the mouth for a short time before swallowing also helps to hydrate the body more quickly.  Water also helps the brain to work more effectively and efficiently.  
• Brain Gym activities.  
• Listen to music.  There are many kinds of music.  It is important to select music that will have a calming affect rather than music that will excite.  
• Quiet time.  This can mean different things to different people.  Make sure it is a time with little stimulus for excitement. 
• Write in journal.  Writing can be very calming to many people.  Sometimes it works really well to write about the situation.  
• Take a walk.  Sometimes a change of scenery helps.  The act of walking can be calming.
• Yoga-Yoga helps to recenter and become more calm.
• Visualize.  See in the minds' eye a calm, relaxing scene or scenario.  See yourself there.
• Laugh.  Watch or listen to something funny. Laughter can be a great way to break tension and relax.
• Repeat or think of a calming word or phrase.  You may have a word or phrase that is a key to help you relax.

Once those involved are calmer, they will be more able to listen, think clearly, and move into a problem solving situation that will be beneficial to all.

"Encouraging strong, healthy relationships between siblings can be one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children."  

Next week:  Working together to solve problems.

Encouraging Siblings to Build Strong Relationships with Each Other

Learning life skills and building relationships is a life-long journey.  While we learn these skills in all aspects of our lives, the home and family is the most influential and powerful place to develop and mature. As our children grow, we are extremely busy teaching and helping them to develop many important skills and characteristics.  Because so much is happening, one area that sometimes falls aside and doesn't get a great deal of attention is the development of strong, binding relationships between siblings. We know the parent-child relationship is vital.  The nature of this relationship is that parents teach and help the child grow so that the child becomes more self-sufficient and independent eventually forming families of their own.  The dynamics and nature of the roles change over the years.  Unlike the parent-child relationship, the role of siblings; however, can and should remain the same.  We, as parents, can have a lasting influence in the development of these relationships as we encourage and nurture strong bonds between siblings.
Help Children to Discover and Value Who They Are Individually.   Each child is his or her own unique person.  Each has different strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, body builds, physical characteristics, personalities, talents, etc.  Encourage each child to discover his/her special identity.  At times it is easy for parents and children to label the family with an identity or characteristic when more than one family has a specific trait or interest (e.g. We are a musical family or a football family.)  Allow each child to be different and to develop his/her own sense of self.  Create a safe place for children to share openly and honestly their thoughts and feelings.  Listen to them and observe them.  Help each one to see the gifts and talents he/she has to offer and bring to his/her attention the unique gifts and talents his/her siblings have to offer.  Help each child to develop a security in who he/she is and see and accept who their siblings are.  As they do this they will not need to compare themselves to each other.  They will also learn to understand and appreciate the differences they observe in others.
Family Loyalty.  Help children develop loyalty to each other and the family.  Encourage and set the example of kind thoughts and actions towards each other.  Do not tolerate unkind and vulgar speech or actions towards any one, especially towards one another.  Teach them to share times of joy, happiness, and success with each other, as well as, times of sorrow, pain, and loss.  Give them opportunities to experience the love, joy, and power of family.
Don't Compare or Play Favorites.  Be sure to not exhibit favorites.  Grace may be the spelling bee champion; Aaron may be an expert about space launches; and Emma may be the best at gymnastics.  Each is OK, one is not more or less important than the other.  Be careful to not compare them or make one more important than the other, because this will create resentment and contention between them.
Opportunities to Become True Friends.   Create opportunities to strengthen bonds within the family.  We love and respect those we know.  Spend time together regularly, such as, eating meals, playing games, learning about new things, and exploring together.  Take the whole family to performances, educational, and sporting activities of each child.  Families support each other.  Celebrate successes together.  Celebrate holidays and establish traditions together as a family.  Take family vacations and trips as your schedules allow.
As an environment where children feel valued and safe is established, children will have the opportunity to learn who they are, value who they are, and to value others in their similarities and differences.  The experiences they have together and the value they feel for themselves and each other will help them to develop strong bonds of friendship with their siblings that will last throughout their lives.

What do you do to encourage strong bonds in your family?

Developing Self-Worth in Children-Things to Do

Children are full of wonder.  They are constantly asking questions, pondering things of their world in their minds, observing the world around them, planning how to do things, figuring what will work and what won't work, and trying to make the important people in their lives happy.  Granted, it doesn't always seem that way to us when they leave a trail of disaster behind them, but they didn't really wake up that morning and think, "What can I do to make life hard for people today."  The broken dish might have happened because they were trying to set the table or do the dishes to surprise you.  The glitter, glue, cut paper, and ribbons could merely be left from the birthday or Mother's Day card they were making to surprise you.   The dirt in the back seat of the car could have come from the flower that fell out of their hands when they were bringing it home for you.   At times like these, it may be our first reaction to be angry and upset because the dish was special to us, we just cleaned up the kitchen table, or we really didn't want dirt in the car.  However, it is important to learn to stop  and consider what has happened and why before we react.  How we respond to our children at these times can send a message to them that we don't want to send and really don't mean. Remember the saying, "What you do speaks so loudly that I don't hear a word you say!"  There is a lot of truth in that statement.  If you don't believe it, stop a minute and think of some of your experiences when you were misunderstood, when people were unhappy with you or your performance when you were trying very hard.
"Sometimes I can't help it," you may be saying and you are correct.  Sometimes things catch us off-guard, especially when we are really tired or under a lot of stress.  However, there are some things that we can do.  Here are a few:

• Take time often to ponder the value/worth of each of our children.  What are their strengths, weaknesses, the things they do that endear them to us, and what do they do that is hard for us. 
• Practice looking for the things they do well and letting them know when they do.  A simple "good job" goes a long way.  
• Notice and acknowledge their ideas.  Listen to their suggestions and ideas.  Encourage them.  If their idea doesn't work, don't put it down.  Find a way to acknowledge their idea and find a way or time it would work.  
• Decide what the most important principles are that you want them to learn in life and find ways to foster them in their every day life.  An example might be to learn to work hard so that they will be successful.  Think about ways to teach them how to work hard, not give up, etc. Set a good example yourself, encourage them, acknowledge them, and support them.  
• Let them know that they bring joy to your life.  Let them know when you especially enjoy something they did or said.  Laugh at their jokes, clap for their songs and performances, etc.  They want you to be happy with what they do.  
• Let them know that you love and appreciate them.  Tell them at least once a day that you love them and give them hugs.  Encourage them to tell you they love you and ask for hugs when you are having a hard day and could use one. 

One of the most basic elements in helping our children to develop self-worth is to realize how much we value them, how much we love them, what we love about them, and what they mean to us.  To do this it is important to take time to think about them and how precious they are.  

Testing-Tips for Relieving Stress and Increasing Confidence

Spring is officially here! The grass is greener, blossoms are in full array, and the weather is warmer!  Most spring breaks are over and students are headed for the final lap of the school year (or term).  It is time to complete all projects and testing is at hand.  Too many times the words "testing" bring stress.  As we know stress left to itself does not help us, in fact, it can hinder and be unhealthy. There are things we can do to help alleviate stress and be more powerful and confident.  Here are some tips to assist:

• Several nights of good rest.  We all behave differently when we are sleepy or tired. Adults usually become sluggish when tired while children tend to overcompensate and speed up. (In a study involving 2,463 children aged 6-15, children with sleep problems were more likely to be inattentive, hyperactive, impulsive, and display oppositional behaviors.) Do your best to insure a good night of sleep and, if possible, several nights as you move into testing time.
• Eat breakfast. Even though breakfast time can be hectic and rushed, it is important to have breakfast. Two rules for breakfast are:
• Never skip it!
• It must include protein! 

          If you and/or your children do not like the typical breakfast food? That is fine. Last night's left                 over tuna casserole or a peanut butter sandwich will be fine. For other suggestions for                         breakfast see "Healthy Breakfast Ideas" under Topics.

•  Sip water-stay hydrated.  Sipping water is more effective than drinking in gulps. Some of the benefits of sipping water:
• All academic skills are improved when we are adequately hydrated. 
• Water intake is vital before test-taking or at other times when possible stress is anticipated. (Has your mouth ever gotten dry when you are nervous?)
• Sipping water helps to improve concentration. 
• It improves mental and physical coordination.
• Movement-Our bodies were made to move.  Have you noticed that when you feel tired or bored, you feel better and more alert when you get up and move around-even if it is just a walk to get a drink of water.  The  advise to take a walk (or run around) is often given when we need a break, to calm down, or to get our "creative juices" flowing.  Any kind of movement is helpful, but some may be better than others.  Brain Gym activities are good ones and can be specialized. (See test-taking and Brain Gym in "topics" for details.)  Yoga moves are also suggested. The important thing is to move.  As you do, you can let go of stress and prepare your brain to work easier and better.
• Deep breaths- Slow deep breaths can be beneficial as we calm our minds and bodies.  This helps get more oxygen moving in your body. The most effective way:
• Take breath in slowly through the nose (with your tongue on the roof of your mouth).
• Fill up the lower lungs (If you are raising your shoulders, you aren't getting it deep.)
• Hold it while you count slowly.  
• Release the breath slowly through your mouth.  

         Do this until you feel a shift or change. It should be at least 3-5 times.   If you do positive                      affirmations, this is a good time to use them.  

         Now is a good time to begin to practice and prepare.  Try to practice some or all of these tips every day-so they will be familiar when you feel extra tension.

Self-Worth-Developing Children: Some things to Avoid

Sometimes in our busy lives, we may not realize our comments and reactions to seemingly every day happenings can have a destructive impact on others around us, especially our children.  We would never knowingly hurt their feelings or harm them, yet sometimes an off-handed comment does just that.  It hurts them deeply and harms their self-worth, leaving them feeling or doubting their value and capabilities.

More obvious things to not do:

•  Say "You are dumb (or ugly, or stupid)".  
• "Can't you ever do anything right" can slip out of our mouths if we aren't careful.  As soon as it blazes out, we might know it was not wise and that we didn't really mean it.  
• Compare one child to another, especially siblings.  "I wish you were more like your brother or sister" can be crushing to the child and at the same time destroy rather than build sibling relationships. 
• When children have tantrums and in their frustrations say something like, "I hate you!"  or "I don't love you." It is important to be sure to not reply with anything like it back. Instead we can explain again why we are doing what we are doing and reassure them that we do and will always love them, even if they are angry with us.  
• Never tell children anything like we don't love them or wish they had never been born.  They, like all of us, need to know they are loved and wanted especially when they make mistakes.

Some not so obvious comments that are also destructive:

• Doing too much for children.  Often we want to show our love for our children, by doing things for them.  However, it can have the opposite meaning for them.  It can mean to them that they aren't capable.  It is helpful to break larger or more advanced tasks into kid-friendly tasks giving them the opportunity to be successful and feel self-satisfaction and independence.  
• Telling children "That's easy" when they are struggling with a task.  Even saying "That is easy, you can do it" when it is not easy for them can lead them to think something is wrong with them because it isn't easy for them.  A better comment might be "This can be a rough one." Then when they do accomplish it, they can tell themselves that they did something that was hard.  If they don't complete it, they know it was harder to begin with.  
• Don't  "freak out" when children make mistakes.  We all make mistakes.  They will make them too.  Usually it will be at an inconvenient time.  Resist the impulse to "freak-out".  Resist the urge to rescue them.  Instead stay calm. teach them how to arise to the situation by acknowledging they made the mistake and how to make amends.  This allows them to feel good about themselves and who they are as they become accountable for their mistakes.  It also helps them form healthy attitudes without making judgments such as making mistakes is a part of life and does not make me a bad person.  

Building Self-Worth in Children-2 Basics

How we interact with children as they learn, problem-solve, and investigate the world in which they live makes a difference in how they see themselves.  It makes a difference in their self-worth.  Today I want to share two tips that I feel are basic to help children build strong self-worth.

Set children up to succeed.  It is important to teach children how to become self-reliant.  How proud they are when they can do things for themselves!  They stand a little taller, their smiles are a little wider, and sometimes they even shout-it-out and give high-fives!  It might be easier to do for them and even difficult to refrain from helping them when they struggle, however, it is important to allow them to be successful.  An example, begin when they are young to teach them how to move about on their own safely.  When they begin to show an interest in the stair steps and in moving from the sofa to the floor, take the time and patience to talk with them and show they how to put their bellies down and their feet first off the sofa and allow their bodies to follow.  They will need some reminders and practice to become proficient. They easily learn to respond to a simple reminder like "feet first".  With the steps, they again put their bellies down and feet first when going down the steps.  Before long they are crawling up and down the stairs in a safe manner.  As they get older, allow them to do more tasks, such as fix their snacks or simple lunches, keep their rooms picked up, or help parents and older siblings with various tasks.  Take the time to teach them how you want them to learn to do the task.  They need to know the expectations. Then as they gain skills, allow them to do them on their own. 

Praise children.  It is equally important to give praise.  A simple "good job"  can be very powerful.  Children want to know how you thought they did, as well as, how they think they did.   If they don't feel they did something as well as you did or you wanted, they may need some reassurance and encouragement.  Remember most of us don't do things perfectly the first times, but we get better the more we do them.  If it doesn't turn out the best, don't "freak out".  In fact, if it is really bad, don't "freak out".  We all have those times and usually they aren't as bad as we first may think they are.  Remain calm and immediately begin looking for the things that were done correctly and give praise for that.  Help them see the things they did that were correct and how they are improving as they continue to do them.  It is vital that the praise is sincere and honest.