Resolving Conflicts

There isn't a day that goes by when we don't have some kind of conflict with someone. Some are not big deals, while others aren't as easy. We may think about them for a few hours, days, weeks, or longer. Children do this, too. There are times when these unsolved conflicts result in headaches, stomach aches, nervousness, anger, tears, etc.

Learning how to solve these worrisome conflicts doesn't seem to come to us innately. We have to learn the steps involved. At first they may seem unnatural and hard; but, as we practice them, we get better at them. In time. they become more natural. Following is a definition of conflict resolution and steps to take to achieve it:

Conflict Resolution

What is Conflict Resolution? Conflict resolution is when people who are in disagreement try to sort things out so that everyone gets a fair deal and something of what they want. There are four things that have to be done for this to be successful:

1. Everyone involved needs to understand what the conflict is about.

2. Everyone needs to avoid making matters worse.

3. Everyone needs to work together.

4. Everyone needs to find a solution to the conflict.

Steps to Take to Accomplish Conflict Resolution

• Understand the Conflict

In resolving conflicts, each individual who is involved needs to understand what the conflict or disagreement is about. Each needs to be encouraged to describe and discuss their feelings without interruption. Listening is a large part of communication. Use active listening by looking at the person, making listening noises such as “uh-huh”, nodding your head, and repeating what you heard him/her say. When a person listens to another, it shows respect and that he/she has a desire to connect and really understand the other person’s point of view. When he/she listens and tries to put himself/herself in the other person’s shoes and understand their point of view, it helps to find resolution to the conflict. Mirroring can be an effective technique in this communication.

• Avoid Making Matters Worse

It is important that some ground rules are established and maintained so that resolution can be reached and that the situation does not get worse. Some important rules are:

• no put-downs

• no mean, nasty remarks that will hurt anyone’s feelings.

• no screaming or shouting. All communication needs to be in controlled voices.

• no hitting, kicking, pushing, or any kind of hurting the other person’s body.

Any of these behaviors will only escalate the conflict.

• Work Together

When individuals work together by using “I” statements such as “I feel hurt when …” or “I hear what you are saying , but I feel …” and say what they feel without blaming the other person. (Saying “ I feel sad when you shout rather than “Your shouting makes me feel sad.” ), it is easier to move toward a resolution. Those involved should take turns talking. It might be wise to determine a time limit for each person before beginning so that everyone gets a fair opportunity. Communication moves more smoothly and effectively when voices are kept down. Sometimes it is more effective when each writes down the problem as he/she sees it and then reads what the other has written.

• Find a Solution

When feelings have been shared and the conflict understood by everyone, the individuals can brainstorm together to think of ways the can resolve it. It is beneficial to think of as many as possible even if they may sound silly at first. Also, it is sometimes effective to have another person write down the ideas and suggest ways of making them work so that the conflict may be resolved.

There are three possible outcomes: win/win, win/lose, and lose/lose. Win/win is when both are pleased with the outcome. Win/lose occurs when one gets what they want and the other does not get what they want. Lose/lose is when neither get what he/she wants. Sometimes this is because the problem is not worked out. Once a solution is reached that all can agree with, it is the responsibility of each to carry out his/her part.

Conflict resolution is not easy. For it to work, everyone must willingly work together. Everyone must accept and carry out what has been decided. If things don’t work out the first time, the process needs to begin again to try to improve it. Problems don't go away if you ignore them - in fact usually they get worse. It's a good idea to face problems and get them sorted out as soon as you can. Çonflict resolution is an effective way to do that.